White gold

There is fullness, richness, striving towards horizons; — nearly impatience.

There is love, much love; appreciation for so many deeply Good things and Good people in my life; — nearly infatuatedness.

And then there is also a bunch of "fuck you, world" energy inside of me; an unwillingness to engage with anything that isn't bringing fullness and richness into my life.

"No one can make me"; "no one can or will make me any more". A tinge of franticness, and reactivity.

Worry that the goodness will be taken away from me. Willingness to fight for it.

Then, moments of doubt. A feeling of confusion. A bit of shamefulness, and worry.

I'm wondering whether there is anger? But I don't think so. Not when I am still. Then, my experience clears up.

"I don't want to". It’s simple.

And then again: doubt. Do I have the right to?

And now upsetness: I want to go back to the love and richness. Maybe they just were taken away from me, for a moment, as I had worried. Sadness. Some despair.

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The lioness is protecting her cubs again. I want it to stop. I want to make it stop.

Feels bigger than what I can hold.

Or maybe the other way round: whatever is trying to hold me is too small for me.

I’m spilling out. I want to make the prison bars explode. Shiva who destroys the world.