Struggle
Feeling drained today. Like all energy has leaked out of me and all the remaining motion of my body or mind is mere reflexes, not real action. My parts aren’t that up for cooperating with me today. Banging my head against hard things, but the only effect that seems to achieve is to give me a headache...
Think I'm a bit afraid. Today things feel harder than what I know how to do. Feeling some judgement towards not doing more, not being more. I think I am putting a lot of pressure on myself right now and finding it hard to unclench.
Wishing for some sort of support, but not quite sure what it is.
Thinking of my dad. Finding solace and sadness there. Wondering whether he ever struggled when he was younger. Wishing I could see it, feel it, sense it. Wishing I could see what he did or thought. So I could believe it more easily. So I might know it’s okay that I struggle.
Feel some variant of « alone » i think. As if the world was made up of « things » not « people »? And as a result, it’s hard to spell « connection » (cause my building blocks are all « thing »-shaped). And I seem to find it hard to genuinely connect to people.
This world-made-of-things feels quite big, and kinda windy and not exactly hospitable. And I think I want something to be different in my experience but I don’t really understand what or how yet.
Self-judgement. A sense of familiarity, like recognizing a familiar face. It has been hiding and sneaking around me for a while now, and as if it was gaining courage, growing bigger and moving more into the centre of my vision each day. Now, It’s not hiding anymore. Just standing there next to and in front of me, unabashedly.
Most of the time it just hangs out, next to me, separate from me; occasionally it leans in and takes a bite. It’s hard to keep it to eating only those things I endorse it eating, away from consuming me more fully. Like I’m trying to push and pull at the same time.
Hard to hold myself if a part of me also rejects myself. Hard to be held.
Have some holding left for that, and some melting away of all that into the moment. There are things to do right now. Feel okay about that.
The memory of my body holding in pain last night. Some leftover feeling of nausea from the sharpness of it.
That pain has faded now, mostly, loosened its grip; left behind a sour, duller, inward pain.
My perception is flat and narrow upon waking; nothing and noone seems quite there.
I wonder whether this veil will slip away as the day unfolds, or whether it will stay, wrapped around my shoulders, neck, throat and head, for some more time.
Have been working really hard. Like a donkey at the construction of the pyramids of Giza.
Have a hard time making the pain and muscle tension leave my body. Affects my mood. Gives things a bitter taste. Makes me want for time to pass, rather than to experience it.
Feel a bit alone and unseen in my work. Like people assume that stuff just happens.
Feel angry and rejective towards the thought of people wanting to appease me, or tell me to take a break, or thank me for the work. Want to tell these imaginary people that they don't get it; that I don't work to be seen but because I care about the thing. Feels like their words try to undermine my caring and my dedication. Lots of protectiveness and anger here - feels hard to hold it gently.
Also a bit appalled by those thoughts and at how self-centred they are. Feel a bit trapped in my pain, aloneness and protectiveness.